I didn’t know

it’s september 16th, 2023

i am alone 

i cant tell if i’m pitying or if i’m grieving 

if i’m being too nitty gritty or if i’m compassionate

extending it to myself 

i didn’t know i was loved 

until 2022

2023, really 

i didn’t know i loved the earth 

until 2020 

i didn’t know 

just how much i loved 

and just how much i festered 

and ached 

until 2020 

i didn’t know 

i could feel 

every sensation known to mankind

while feeling nothing at all 

all at the same time

i’ve learned i love the flowers 

i wanted to be them so bad

i wanted to learn to garden 

to create them 

i wanted to host them in my heart 

and for them to invite me in everyday 

but flowers wilt 

and my thumbs aren’t quite that green 

maybe someone will paint them for me one day 

but until then 

i guess i’ll just keep waiting and see